So what happened to my rule of creating every morning? Saturday morning – tired from working till midnight the night before, and getting read for work starting at 9:30am that day: I edited a photo and published a blog draft. Sunday morning – tired from a Halloween party the night before: I read my new library book Craftivism. Monday – tired, as I didn’t sleep the night before because I missed my medication on Sunday morning: I napped, and in the late afternoon I completed a sewing project (a Wednesday Addams version of the Vogue 9000 vintage dress for my daughter).
One thing leads to another.
This is one of the reasons – the main reason – why I’m obsessive (and defensive) about getting my shit together. Regular sleep, decent food, quiet social life. Drama (a crazy life) is expensive, draining energy and what little time we have; lives are whittled away by one stupid act after another. My life spiralled out of control for years, and from living within emotional chaos I now find myself abhorring drama. It freaks me out, reminding me of old times, and I know just how easily crazy times begin. It seems that the less I want drama in my life the more others’ want me to be participate in theirs (this is partially hindsight, but there are some people who don’t want others to make different/ better choices – they are afraid it will make them look ‘bad’).
I want to make things, to challenge and encourage people. I rein in my life so that I can do this. From a Zen perspective, it’s good to stop stirring up the waters, let them settle, and look through the cleared water to see through to what’s at the bottom. My existential kicker is that the lotus grows from the mud – clarity makes no difference whatsoever. I’m defensive about finding clarity, but that in itself is just another thing muddying the waters. Everyday though, I aim to disengage and find some kind of balance.